Dec
20
2010

Are You Finding Everything Okay?

Monday, December 20, 2010 - 07:39:06 pm
(Posted Under: I Don't Mean To Be A Dick, But...)
It's a conundrum, I dread setting foot in Best Buy. And yet, am drawn to the place. It's the affliction of being a tech guy. It doesn't matter than 99.5% of the time I don't actually want to purchase anything. If you're going to be out in the retail world, you're drawn to the store, if only to check out everything you're not going to buy - but would if you lived in a world of no consequence. Which, if you know me at all, I clearly do not.

But along with that allure comes the dread. The Best Buy dread. It sets in the moment you step foot through the sliding doors. The root cause of Best Buy dread can be summed up in one sentence:

"Are you finding everything okay?"

The dread encompasses you the moment you step through the doors, as you know you have surrendered your sanity to the Best Buy devil. You've somehow entered a non written and non verbal agreement to be harassed by every $7 an hour blue shirted employee with the question "Are you finding everything okay?"

Look, your large store has more than adequate signage. And hey, you're stock isn't boxed up in the warehouse out the back. Thanks to decades of retail research and experience, you have these amazing inventions known as "shelves". And furthermore, you have all of your products, in shinny colorful packaging that manufacturers have carefully designed to catch my eye, to entice my desire to hand over dinero in exchange for them. So, when I'm standing in front of these wonderful shelves, filled with product in designer packaging, I've got to admit, yes, I'm finding everything just fine. I mean, have you not noticed, it's fucking right there in front of me? Did you somehow miss that I'm looking right at it? That I'm not looking around puzzled with a look on my face that screams "now, where would I find those pesky iPod's in a place like this?!?"

So where does this annoying facet of American culture stem from? Because, while I refer specifically to Best Buy dread, it's certainly an American culture thing, where Best Buy is one of the more obnoxious and infuriating offenders, but certainly not the only one.

Is it pure Capitalism at work? The idea that more interaction any particular customer equates with increased opportunity to push a sale? The good old car salesman approach? If so, you've lost me. Factoring my desire for a product, and the availability thereof elsewhere, I will go out of my way to make the purchase elsewhere if you've forgotten the concept of personal space.

Or does Best Buy simply think that it's entire customer base, virtually the entire population of the United States, is that retardedly stoopid (with two O's) that every poor soul that walks through the door needs their hands held? That they need at least half of the floor staff on duty to pose the question "are you finding everything okay?" at five minute or less intervals. DVD's are over there, MP3 players there, and computers over there. Short of being completely illiterate and/or not being able to distinguish the difference between an iPod and a TV, it's not exactly rocket science. And in the case today, when I'm actually not finding everything okay, it doesn't take a medical degree to realize that it's because your shitty store doesn't carry what I want. And it doesn't take the sed degree to know well enough not to dig my own grave and utter the words "no I'm not". As we all know fully well that is going to only prolong this useless dialog, which isn't going to change the fact that I'm not going to walk out with the product that I want.

Or, is it the most acceptable, but by far least possible explanation that you're scared shitless that I'm going to walk out of your store with some precious merchandise without paying for it? Sure, you don't know that I haven't stolen anything in my life, nor plan to. But I still can't buy that I look dodgy enough to warrant 6 "customer services representatives" in 5 minutes to pose the dreaded "are you finding everything okay?" inquisition. Even without being decked out in 3 piece suit, and with long hair. Even when I haven't shaved in 2 weeks. I just fail to believe that I even remotely look dodgy enough for this to be the answer. But if it is, word to the wise, in addition to the security scanners adorning the front doors you have at least one guy on the door watching everyone who walks out. You remember him. The guy that almost equally pisses me off. The one who is convinced that my sole reason for entering your store stems from completely severe depression in my lonely life to receive a "hello" from a complete stranger in a blue shirt. Whether I want it or not. Which, I don't. If I make a purchase, sure some friendly banter with the checkout dude/chick is fine. We're making a transaction, so I'm down for social interaction. Merely walking into your store - not so much. My existence isn't quite that sad yet. Anyways, I'm talking about that guy. The guy that wants to be my best friend walking in, and is probably looking suspiciously at me and everyone else as I walk out. If making out like a bandit was my intention, I don't know that you don't already have your bases covered. And if you're still worried, institute a security pat down of TSA proportions at the exits. Hell, you can grab my junk if it means I never have to deal with another blue shirt douchebag uttering the words "Are you finding everything okay?" ever again.

Of course, Murphey's Law is never far from anything, and Best Buy dread is no more exempted than anything else. That is, on the very rare occasions that I'm not just browsing, or even more rare, don't know exactly what I want, and need to blue shirt - I can't get arrested by the smurf army. And those are the times that I really want to kick Murphey square in the balls. Those amazingly rare Best Buy experiences, that have been completely "are you finding everything okay?" free would be an absolute joy, except you actually need some help. It absolutely happens without fail. On every other occasion, you can't avoid the army of $7 an hour smurfs, despite every desire to, but if you actually need one, you have to literally go on a smurf hunt. Typically I'll avoid making any eye contact with a smurf, as well as go to great lengths to avoid looking confused, lost or any other way that can in anyway be construed as needing any sort of help whatsoever. Always completely unsuccessfully. However, when you actually need something that remotely resembles assistance, employing the reverse techniques - making an eye contact, or shooting a "help me" glance in any direction of a smurf - is completely in vein. Fuck you, Murphey.

The most recent of the rare occurrences of the rare and almost fabled "smurf hunt" happened about a month ago, while looking at cameras. A high ticket item. Your sheer presence in the DSLR camera section will make you a smurf magnet. But not this afternoon in Mesa. I was after a USB HDD, and probably had been in the desert heat too long, as I'd decided that I feeling crazy enough to engage a smurf in a dialog about the Nikon D5000. (While it's fun to blame the loco behavior on the desert heat, it was actually undeniably eagerness about the camera). I picked up the hard drive, with super stealthyness to avoid any computer smurfs, then went over the the cameras, where we lingered and generally adorned a stance combined with glancing around which might as well have equated to a smurf mating call. Of course, opportunity knocked, and Murphey answered. We stood there for several minutes, without a single smurfing picking up on the scent. A smurf hunt ensured, which took way too long. Once we'd wrangled a smurf, he promptly couldn't get the one camera we wanted to play with to work. Awesome. Walking off, we stumbled across a D5000 attached to a computer, and proceeded to play with that. Still hadn't had the opportunity to fire off my questions, so I flagged down the previously wrangled smurf to do so.

Despite not having any high expectations of the sort of knowledge I'd be extract from a smurf,it was quite a dialog. Despite being programmed to blurt "are you finding everything okay?" with more frequency than Lindsey Loham gets arrested, the smurfs know absolutely jack shit about - well, probably anything. Despite my lowered expectations, the dialog with this particular smurf was amazingly terrible. The pinnacle of the dialog was when I asked if the D5000 performed well in low light. Y'know, night photography. And of particular interest to me, photographing live music. The response: "Yeah, I guess. But you need light for a photo, so..."*. Thanks for that. You must be Dopey Smurf, the black sheep of the smurfs that didn't even make the cartoon. You've managed to enlighten me on only one thing - Papa Smurf should have been given vasectomy.

But back to the Best Buy dread. I've had enough. I'm fighting back. The idea of biting the next smurf that says "are you finding everything okay?" is alluring. But I'm sure that sort of retaliation would come with some sort of consequence I'm not really up for. Whether it be rabies, or a citation. I don't need either.

Instead, the next time I hear that all to familiar question, I am going to respond with the most sarcastic response I can think of. I'm actually going to start vaulting any I think of, for my next trip to Best Buy. It's a counter productive endeavor, as it will actually fuel the useless dialog with smurfs that the anti socialite in me desires to avoid. But by god, it's time to fuck with things. Thankfully, last time I checked there was no law against being a smart arse.

I'm absolutely all about being helpful and courtesy. But the "are you finding everything okay?" routine is just plain and simple obnoxious. I'm done with being polite about it. Game on smurfs!

* Light is absolutely the fundamental element that makes photography possible. With that said, the D5000 does perform quite well in low light. And in extremely low light when you play with shutter speeds and ISO settings. In fact, just a 30 second shutter speed can render amazing results in a seemingly pitch black room, far beyond what the naked eye can see. This is what I was interested in. Not a 4th grade level explanation of the basic physics of photography. I'm pretty sure any photographer looking at a DSLR camera, or hell, anyone that passed 4th grade is all over that.

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